“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them