“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy