Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
plums roundup
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”