“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no