“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
This was the best day of my life
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready