“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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this makes me so uncomfortable
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
stop
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.