A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits