If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?