Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Print is alive and well!!!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher