I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.