9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?