@AdmiralAkbrown: "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
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@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@BestWorstAdvice: If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
@Book_Krazy: Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.