@AdmiralAkbrown: "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
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@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
@aveuaskew: You'd think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won't.
@pickupIines: are you my appendix because i don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
@LaytesAgain: For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair."