@AdmiralAkbrown: "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent.
@Karate_Horse: [karate sign up table] "Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"
@upsheezy: "Walk it off" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic
@Marlebean: My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath. The walls, too. Yup, and ceiling.