“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.