@GriffLightning: OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they're going to commercial. #SNL40
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@Holy_Mowgli: boss: I'm sorry Alan we're going to have to let you go bungee cord tester: N O O o o ᵒ
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@philmann: Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.