When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
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a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Shortcut
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”