According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*