Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday