“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Sounds like a bargain
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW