Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.