“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”