@sageboggs: "OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??" -me watching gymnastics
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@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
@DanMentos: Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers? A. Because they're not supposed to cross the streams
@mojo_bones_: Condescending: (adj) showing patronizing superiority (verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.