OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
You Might Also Like
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
What if all the cashiers are married?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.