@o__0Dev: Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!

@ramenfuneral: "how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras

@gtfml: When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

@iwearaonesie: [on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*