Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Worst perfume name ever.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.