@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"

@oxygenplug: "Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?" "Juicy Juice" "What? Are you sure? Why don't we-" "Juicy. Juice."

@LuvPug: My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees. Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

@KimJungilSpirit: "Retweet! Retweet!" yelled the German Commander as we invaded Normandy

@robfee: Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.