@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner"
*centipede walks in*
"You've got to be kiddin me"
@oxygenplug: "Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?"
"Juicy Juice"
"What? Are you sure? Why don't we-"
"Juicy. Juice."
@LuvPug: My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
@KimJungilSpirit: "Retweet! Retweet!" yelled the German Commander as we invaded Normandy
@robfee: Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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