@lynnbixenspan: Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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@robfee: Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime
@DaddyJew: *slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
@wickedsuga: When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one. Cause if I'm going to be freaked out, you should be too.