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@ch000ch: "oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol"
-giraffe in quicksand
@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
@Ghetto_Trophy: "I need to get laid man!"nn- eggs (in the chicken)
@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it's the pug