Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline