Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You Might Also Like
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Buying a well is money well spent.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*