Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing