“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Yep.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Wikigenius
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”