oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*