When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Bed should get ready for ME
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym