If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
incredible
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.