My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
You Might Also Like
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Just ordered me some pizza!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Mouse
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms