Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”