Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Body by cheese-puffs.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.