oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.