@leifromloihi: oh the aliens aren't speaking to us right now because idk they're pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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@PabloGSerski: The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.
@heroofthehour: whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
@ThaJawn: Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car! Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location