oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You Might Also Like
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
just witnessed a drug deal
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.