Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??