Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Saturday
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
This story is comedy gold 😂
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you