oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
🛁
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator