Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You Might Also Like
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.