[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?