Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic