Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Duck typos.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Why font matters.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Well, this is awkward
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”