Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
October already? What’s next? November????
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color