Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts