“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
You Might Also Like
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
peak technology
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
🔦🌙👣
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese