Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
SPLOOT
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.