Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You Might Also Like
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.