Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Accurate
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*