If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]