don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there